It is too easy to run from myself, despite knowing it will not work. This is my effort to confront & build on the only project that I can truly master – Me.
I feel like i’m functioning from behind some sort of wall – but not many people (if any) even seem to notice… I’m just going through the motions at work, at lunch, on the road, in the shower, in my own damn head…
And just like last time – and all the times before that – it looks like I’m still the only one who’s going to try to rescue me before things get worse. The thing is, that still disappoints me. Why can’t I instead look at it as a good thing that I have the ability to try and rescue myself, even though I don’t know how that’ll happen… Or why not consider that maybe things are actually okay (since no one has noticed) and not catastrophize things as if I’m reverting to severe depression / suicidal tendencies…
Ooh, I found this brilliant song :
But yes, coming back to my pain. Hmm. I feel like I need to see a therapist, even when the housemate replied to my request for contact numbers of therapists by saying that SHE is happy to listen to me and suggested that I also try taking up yoga or something like that… Yoga did help me a lot before, so why not consider it? Why am I so adamant that I need a therapist? Why won’t I consider trusting my (albeit few) friends more, despite the fact that I say Brene Brown’s philosophies resonate deeply with me…?
Does that mean that I do not mean what I say?
I don’t even know what I feel?
: (
I feel like the biggest loser. Like I’ve learned nothing from my previous therapy sessions. From my books, from my lecturers, from all my writings & reflections, from my deep conversations with others, from all the experiences I’ve had… With all of that that i’ve been blessed to have, why haven’t I found out who I am yet?
Or do I actually know but just despise this person too much?
I was invited to attend a regional meeting for progressive (read: social justice-oriented) Christian youth in India at the end of October. Due to the insane passport fiasco which suddenly unfolded in my never-a-dull-moment-not-ever life, I could not make it for my original flight and had to miss the first 3 days of the meeting, which is a real pity.
But, the portion which I did attend was pretty awesome, on the whole. On a base level, it actually enabled me to go from “not able to even think about praying, let along reading the Bible” to “Wow, I want to learn to write liturgy like this!” – this is a huge and wholly unexpected change, for me.
It has truly been ages since my faith has felt relevant for me…. at least 6 months, though more like a year or so, really. I had been trying to tell myself not to stress out too much over it, that it is a normal part of the whole journey – as my beloved Pete Rollins says, “To believe is human, to doubt is divine”.
Oh wow, after I typed that sentence I decided to open up Pete’s blog, and his newest post is on negativity and melancholy…! I mean, that’s literally the two words I’ve been thinking about a lot of late & Jay-Seon from Korea labelled me as melancholic after just a few short conversations… Just today when I was talking to the housemate and marveling at her open and positive attitude to life, I then began to berate myself for my negativity…
Thing is, Pete’s post is quite heavy and I’m not at all sure I understand it, especially with this wave of fatigue that’s hitting me… I’m definitely mentally tired at the moment. But it’s important to put some thoughts down, especially from the trip…
Meeting these young people from Asia Pacific who truly believe in ecumenism and in “faith justified by works” was so moving. I had been told that such youth existed but this was my first real chance to see it myself. That was priceless.
Though I certainly do have my doubts left, and even disliked parts of the worship sessions (the more charismatic displays of faith will perhaps just never be understood by me) & still haven’t resolved the whole “Son of God” thing, overall it was an experience that gave me so much knowledge and that helped me tie some of my faith-based questions together with something akin to answers 🙂 For that and for the friendships made & the laughter shared & the wonderful Keralan food, I must be grateful!
And I do think I am. But coming back has been hard, as it always is, but it never seems to get easier to deal with. I feel… lost, unmotivated by the things that I feel obliged to do, drawn towards new things, alone…
I don’t know how to stay at this job & yet I don’t know how to leave. I’m yearning to cut down my expenses so that I live a more sustainable life, but cannot fathom moving back to that house of madness… I long to be in meaningful relationships but I can’t seem to give the time of day to those people who used to mean so much to me, simply because they’ve disappointed me…
Is it any wonder that I feel like a crazy person?
Ah, then there’s that. I was taught for 3 years to not use labels like “crazy” or “psycho” and also to not think of the use of such labels (when they do occur) as a bad thing. Yet, truly, it is time to admit it: One of my biggest fears in the last few years (aside from all the work stuff & romance stuff) is that, deep down, despite my efforts, maybe I’m still clinically depressed. Maybe my mother is right that I should be back on medication. Maybe I’m just not able to be happy without it. Maybe I’m more messed up than my doctor realised. Maybe I have actually been lying to both her and to myself… Maybe I’m crazy… Mummy said it even more harshly, she said I have bipolar… just like Papa does…. : (
What is it’s true? Intellectually, i know it’s not even very likely (though bipolar is hereditary), but it’s still totally possible. More importantly, though, should be the fact that I KNOW BETTER THAN TO STIGMATISE ANYONE, ESPECIALLY NOT MYSELF.
So why am I still being so harsh towards myself then? And so driven by fear? I know for a fact that I would treat a client, friend or even a stranger far more kindly in this situation than I am currently treating myself. Where is the justification for this?
Wow, she really struck a nerve with me, huh – I am actually taking an online “bipolar diagnostic test” now…. : ( All based on a hurtful comment from my sleeping-pill-addict mother….
God, the stupid test says there are indications that I might have it… I know WedMD is a dangerous resource & that only an actual psychiatrist can give me this diagnosis. But…
: (
But either way, the point is, what to do – both for right now, for this week and for the rest of the year. I’m just moving from one day to the next at the moment, no plan, no anchor, just rolling with the wind. That could be a good thing, except it doesn’t feel that way at all…
Background: Ingrid Michaelson “Keep Breathing” –
Image: The oil lamp is the symbol for the Student Christian Movement of India (SCMI) – a wholly unique movement which has been courageously reimagining what it means to be a Christian in the vast & complex landscape of India. I got to know them a bit last week and they’ve reminded me that even if one tiny light is lit, in whatever way, shape or form, there is so much reason to hope.
constructing.me. 