What keeps you from being suicidal?

I have no answer for that tonight beyond, “It hasn’t gotten bad enough yet, clearly.”

And that’s simply not good enough, is it. There is no doubt I am an intelligent, sensitive, reasonably (and often overly) kind person with many great qualities. There is also no doubt that I have been utterly under-appreciated by those who know me and overvalued by those who don’t in various ways throughout my life, with no regard for who I actually am and – worst of all –  with no end in sight for a good 2 decades at least.

So why not pull the proverbial plug? Why the fuck not? I do not have any relationship that actually gives me meaning, not even that magical person-in-the-sky sorta thing. I cannot fathom of any job that would be meaningful nor even satisfying – and heaven knows I’ve tried a whole effing bunch of those by now. I do not ascribe much value in material things, so it’s really hard for a hobby of sorts to provide much “meaning” either.

Yes, yes – the craving for meaning itself may be where the flaw lies. But philosophers since time immemorial haven’t found a solution yet for that dilemma, so tonight seems just as unlikely for such a revelation. We do crave meaning, especially the more sensitive and (for better and worse – mostly worse) more educated ones among us.

We also crave love.

—

I stopped here, last night. I decided to watch “A Dangerous Method”, the Viggo Mortenson, Michael Fassbender (<3) & Keira Knightly flick about Freud, Jung and this patient Sabina that ultimately became a psychoanalyst as well as Jung’s lover (duh). It was pretty excellent, actually and did give me some new glimmers of thoughts that may help me to plod along once again.

I am very, very much stronger than I allow myself to believe at any given moment. I do not need to withdraw from life as whole; I could instead keep choosing little ways to work around the shittiest bits of life and I will succeed at least half the time, which is actually all that is needed (as long as I continue to give myself good food, rest, relaxation, random fun stuff and the occasional hug). Yesterday it was almost impossible to see this, let alone to believe it on any meaningful level. Today it is far easier, though not easy. The movie, the R.D. Laing quotes, a few snacks and a solid night’s sleep – I definitely wanted more for yesterday (two guys cancelled on me, hah…) but in the end, perhaps this was a classic example of getting what I actually needed, rather than just what I wanted.

Psychoanalysis and philosophy do still provide me with enough interesting and perhaps – wait for it – truly meaningful insights into my own psyche. That’s actually at the core of what I know I want for myself; a better understanding of who and what I am through the ardous journey of “whys”.

🙂

Oh, and please do share your answers/thoughts to the question above – I would love to hear more.

Celebration, everyday

Naomi Hyman said:

“We write because in the writing we find places for ourselves in the white spaces between the black letters.”

Who is Naomi Hyman? She’s the author of “Biblical women in the Midrash” , which I haven’t read, but the above quote is in a book by critical feminist interpretation expert Elisabeth Florenza-Schussler, Wisdom Ways. I’m thoroughly enjoying exploring this challenging and affirming book, which I hope to properly work through with a few of my new friends.

By the way, Wikipedia tells me that: ‘Midrash is a way of interpreting biblical stories that goes beyond simple distillation of religious, legal, or moral teachings. It fills in many gaps left in the biblical narrative regarding events and personalities that are only hinted at.’

That’s basically what Wisdom Ways seeks to do, by focusing on the stories & viewpoints of “ordinary” women and men (which Elisabeth Florenza-Schussler or EFS writes as “wo/men” to give us something to think about…) whose voices have been silenced or misrepresented in many Biblical texts.

Now, this book is rather fascinating, but I can’t help wishing I had found it earlier… because I can’t shake the feeling that my cynicism and/or disenchantment with religion and God has become too much of a norm by now… I really don’t know if any of this very interesting analysis needs to be done from a theological perspective at all, really… I mean, there’s so many other fascinating ways to look at things, right…? But then again, perhaps the point is not to focus on whether God does or does not exist (whatever that even means…!) but rather I could just consider Christianity or theology in general as one way of approaching the crucial (and fascinating!) task of understanding my Self…. Now, that is a really exciting idea… : )

I’m just so glad to find these new friends, who challenge me while allowing me free space for the Me that I was always trying to hide/fix/improve… Learning to just BE is like returning to the heady days of being a child! It’s a breathtaking gift, right here, right now, ready for the taking.

Oooh, I gotta go! Having dinner with this same group of new friends, after having a lazy breakfast with them, too 😉 Haha, it must be love…

Background: Damn, but one “side effect” of all this introspection is the realisation of how much nonsense there is in so many of the songs I love. Today it’s Ingred Michaelson and Lifehouse that are starting to explode as I begin to properly hear the incredibly weak & dependent lyrics…. Hmm! Fascinating.